I just figured out an amazing thing. That even though I write here much less than I used to, I DO want to jot down my feelings and things I'm doing somewhere. This is my path to God-knows-where, but it's mine. I am living in a very hard, very confusing and very exhausting transition point, and I want to see this in perspective. I want to keep it somewhere.

Yes, that is my big discovery. Sometimes stupid things have to hit you on the friggin' face you're so busy with your mind going at a speed not recommended, with obligations, expectations, frustrations.

I did slow down. End of semester is a killer. But my mind hasn't that much. I have a gazillion things I could get done and I haven't so far. I'm not in trouble, there's still time.. but I've wasted perfectly good productive time lately. That's okay though. I don't have to go crazy.

OAS application submitted. They extended the deadline, and it was over yesterday. Now, I just wait. And pray. I really, really, really want this. It'll be okay if I don't get it, but it would be amazing if I did. So, that's my Santa wish.

Everyone is rushing to Christmas. Not new, since Capitalism wild childs love to put up decorations in November. While I can't wait for the Christmas-y feeling that come with listening to Christmas songs and seeing the city all lit up.. I don't want to rush it just yet. I mean, let's do things right.

That is what has mainly been on my mind. We'll see what else comes up.

It's been a long time. Wow, now that I look at the calendar, nearly a month. Well, not that much has happened, that I remember.

Barbra's album came out and I have been listening to that and only that since. My deluxe edition just arrived from Amazon, and I got a nice poster from someone at the board I thought I was making friends with but, I don't know now.

Didn't have class today and won't have anymore this week. The University Meetings are happening, to present research papers and such. I co-wrote one for the Lab, but I'm not presenting it, my co-worker is, I will be there though. No big deal, I wish I would stay home, but I don't think it'll be so bad.

Even though I had an easy going day I'm depressed. Searching for a University to take some classes if I get in OAS did that. Nothing ever works out. Nothing. Ever. I know I haven't really mentioned the OAS thing here. It's not that complicated, basically I am applying for an unpaid internship from January to May of next year in D.C.. So that's an entire semester away from school, something I do not want to do because it would delay my graduation. But we'll see, I may not even be accepted.

This may seem a bit random, since I only mentioned it above, but the friend thing. Well, it's making me think a lot about what happened with Sar. Still is, because either she has no idea I barely consider her a friend at this point or she has noticed and hasn't said anything, so some drama might still ensue. Anyway, this whole thing has taught me a thing or two. I will never be so engaged in a friendship if the other person doesn't seem to be as well. This hasn't made me weary of making new friends, but I am just more in a 'fuck it' mode. You don't want to talk to me that much? Fuck it, I really don't care and have better things to be doing. You didn't really impact me anyway. If you don't care, I don't care. I will pay attention, love and help those who do the same for me. Period. I'm done being an idiot.

It is hard to believe someone who was one of my favorite people and that I loved so much has become so unattached. You just never know. But, I am on my way to moving on. Because, you know what? Fuck it.

I am still empty. And I don't know where or when I won't be anymore. Or even why. I guess things just aren't supposed to be easy for me. And I don't know why either. But, I can't run or hide and hit the pause button.

It's thursday and I am building my list of things to do for school on the weekend. So far I'm up to number 6. Fun times. Yesterday I didn't have my afternoon class because my teacher is out of town, so I came home after two classes and an hour at the lab. So good. I had a short nap, finished my article, started a book on news making. I felt so relaxed like I had time to do everything. Good times. That probably won't come back anytime soon. I have started the work cycle too early, and now who knows when I'll stop. Oh how good high school felt with all that time, where I usually accomplished very little, except for senior year. Maaan.

I feel so robotic. I have said I won't sacrifice my best life (no, I don't want to sound like Oprah) to go crazy doing all the things I need to do, or feel I have to. Mostly the latter. But it's hard. Especially for me. As time passes I am becoming more work-oriented than ever. And my people skills are suffering. Many times I have a hard time shutting down and relaxing. It is problematic and bothering me.

Who knew I would go from feeling so much to feeling so little? I certainly did not. And I don't want it either. Like in everything else, I want balance.

I want. I need. I have to. It all comes down to that at this time. I act having a clear sense that what I do now will definitely affect my future. So I don't unwind, so I am trapped in this desire of excellence.

Someone is saying love is the answer, while patience and understanding are too. I think I have to go with all three now, because funny enough they represent my current wish.

Feel, wait, and be nicer to myself and others around me. While still doing all else, I guess.

I am soooo lazy today. I think maybe the cramps wore me out, but I woke up at noon and haven't done anything productive and it's almost 4. I need to call a source to do my news article for wednesday. A source. How fancy and journalistic am I sounding these days? Yes, I'm a dork. Let me be.

Gaaawwwd. Completely lazy. I want pancakes.

I didn't have class this afternoon. After an unsuccessful trip to the banks to see if my money had come in, I got home at around 3:30 pm. I was going to do nothing for a bit and then study, but I got Barbra's Parade mag in the mail from a member of the forum, which totally sidetracked me with joy. Then when I did start reading I was sooo sleepy. So I took a seriously random nap. And now I just read in between watching tv which was bad. I should've done way more with all this time I had.

I'm amazed I'm not more tired, because this past week was madness. Doing Op Smile and the UN Simulation together was kind of insane. All of which I will get to at some point, but not tonight. I need to get to bed before 10 so maybe I will be asleep before 11. Yep, it's complicated. I have a lot to do and I haven't been studying enough. I need to read way, way more than what I have lately. But, now that things are on their way to settling down again, I think a weekend with my books again will pretty much fix this. Not to mention the extra reading I think I have to do; like the economy material I borrowed from a friend at the lab to read, and the ton of stuff I got from another one before she moved to Spain last month. All very good stuff that I definitely need to get to.

Not in a thrilling mood. Kinda lonely, Ginny is still having fun in Malibu, almost next to Barbra's house. Well, she sounds so damn happy she should enjoy it as much as she can. :P

Ehhh. I need a good night sleep. Pretty please?

Life is so confusing. I want order. Yes, I'm delusional. I like a certain control of things, though I wouldn't say I'm a big control freak. A lot happening and making me think, probably grow, and feel a ton. It's all part of the university experience I'm weary to go into.

Lots of writing need to be done. I wish I was talking to Sar. Good, old Sar who used to listen and care and not try to focus the conversation on whatever is going on with her. I want that back. I probably won't get it, and it breaks my heart a little.

Didn't clean my room as promptly, but I started. Did some major drawer cleaning that was due for years now I think. I need storage now, because there's a lot of school things that now belong in a memory box or something. I went looking for pretty Ikea-like boxes with mom, but before that stopped at a clothing store. Wrong move. I left with three blouses and one shoe, not being able to finish my bedroom project. Sad, but they were on sale. Anything I buy these days is on sale. I am officially the bargain queen.

Tomorrow the Communications gathering starts. I get to pick the workshops I can take and such, then there's a panel discussion at night. Not sure I'm attending the latter. Hmm. We'll see. What I really want to do is go to the water park with mom and JF. We might if it's not cloudy and rainy.

Seriously making an effort to write here. I think it's valuable for me, but these days I have a tendency to want to shut down quite easily, so there's an effort here.

Going to continue my cleaning though. Not sure how to put away these things, but we'll see if I am satisfied with the outcome.

I need to get off my butt and start cleaning and re-organizing my room. I spent the day looking at inspirational pictures for me to do that. All I accomplished was rearranging my bedside table and not even that satisfactorily. Hmm.

Slept so much yesterday and today just wandered a bit sleepy all over. Going to watch HP this week and do some other stuff. Now that the author of Angela's Ashes died I wanna watch it. Sad, I know. But I never got around to seeing it. I always wanted to, but somehow missed it.

Gah, cleaning. Must be done, this room is driving me insane.

Okay, I'm here. I was not eaten by school or any other monster of the sort. I did not succumb even though I nearly did. It's been a bit over two weeks since school ended, but I still continued to work. Today was my last day, I have a recess until August 3rd.

A lot of things happened but somehow everything is almost the same. I nearly quit the Lab, but because of dear ol' dad and his flakiness with my alimony, I have to keep this asinine job until I find something in journalism, which is hard at this point because I'm still a freshman. I really have had it with that place. And my school hours would not allow me to complete the 20 hours/week required. I talked to the professor and he told me it was okay. Of course he didn't want to lose me, it's not that easy to find someone fluent in English and with notions in French.

Today I got work to do during my 'vacation', which pissed me off. But since I'm sure no one else is going to work on recess, I'm not going to bother. Especially since there's a Communications gathering thing at UFC starting on the 24th and going until the 31st. Basically three days before classes begin again. Some break I got. And since we have to present pretty small papers at this Scientific Initiation meeting for the Lab, I have to get that done too by the 3rd. The papers as I see them are insignificant, but the professor likes the status quo of having his interns present papers at the meeting. Ridiculous. Quality doesn't count.

The title of this post references to a quote Ginny has as favorite: "We're all grand at 17, it's after that the sickness sets in". And today, as I tried to make sense of all that is happening and my obnoxious problems, that came to mind; I could relate to it entirely. I feel as if the 'adulthood' sickness HAS set in, and I don't like it one bit. I see how so many people are out there just looking out for themselves, not caring about how and what they do, about making a difference and standing out in a good way. But rather, just keeping up appearances that they have a title and are somewhat important, sometimes not even bothering to keep up that mask too well. Yes, I realize not everyone is cut out to be grand, but doing your work with dignity should not be a difficult thing. It's all angering and off-putting.

Without a real break, I am aware I am going way over my limit. That's gonna blow up sometime. I hate being stressed out like I was in June. I am constantly in a bad mood and treating people poorly. I don't like it, and I have no other way to let it out, because let's face it, I don't have much of a life and outlets or sources of relaxation. It's actually easier to find the very opposite in my life.

On a positive note, I sold my first piece ever. A co-worker that graduated in Journalism as well gets some freelance work for a union from time to time, she took me to one of their meetings and then told me to do the material they asked for. She loved it and sent it to them, now we're just waiting for the money. That is happy. I also enrolled in my TOEFL prep course, it starts august 4th. I had to leave French for the semester. Sad. At the end I loved my teacher. She is definitely a character, but I somehow ended up liking her a lot. I'm excited for TOEFL. First step for the Exchange Program. This semester I should start to get some things worked out so I don't have to do it all next year. What I can, anyway. We'll see.

Right after classes ended I enrolled at a sort of gym my mom was going to. It's incredibly simple but I like it, it's just aerobics. It sort of reminds me of dance class, so I like that. I think once my schedule is a little better, and I mean next year, I might go back to dancing. There's nothing I can do about it; it's a passion that doesn't fade. I enrolled at this place just for this month. I have really set out to lose weight. I just won't have it anymore. I know I can't lose 10 pounds in a month, but at least do something, because when classes start again I won't have time.

I am trying to figure things out. I have suddenly been thrown in the adult world, while at the same time dealing with sometimes children there. It's too much juggling to do and I haven't figured it out. But I am optimistic right now, and I am willing to discover a healthy path that pleases me.

I am so beyond overwhelmed.

I so desperately need a break. I haven't had one single day to just stop and think, and live. I see how easy it is to just get lost and let things roll by, when you're living a crazy, ridiculous schedule.


I will not succumb to this kind of life. It's not the best one I can have, not by a long shot.

I feel like I should win a medal. I am showing incredible self-control, because I wanna tell a handful of people to go fuck themselves and I haven't. Don't I deserve to be commended?

I. loathe. people. who. don't. pull. their. weight.

Think that's clear. I do my part, inspite of everything else I have to do, and yet I still have to be, on the eve of the deadline for the paper, on MSN discussing the fucking paper because people can't do their part on time, only when there's less than 24 hours for it. Fuck other assignments, I have limited time too. Why is it just easy to hand in any mediocre crap just to get away with a reasonable grade? This is our university education. We are investing in our career for crying out loud. Ugh it makes me sick. If I did my part and that was it, but no, people don't do their part fully and I get stuck with having to deal with decision making when I already planned stuff for the paper and did my part. Fuck.

UFC is crap. A big pile of crap and I'm sick of it.

This was a straaaange holiday. I definitely rested, but maybe too much. I went out last night with the girls for a great dinner, dropped Jam and Raquel off and got home nearly midnight. I woke up this morning with my lower lip swollen. Just crazy, so I took an anti-allergic, didn't have much to eat for lunch because the maid is sick and lunch was bad, and basically slept through most of the afternoon. When it was almost 4 pm I woke up, and had slept half the day essentially. I still felt so groggy and wanted to go back to bed. So bizarre.

After a cold shower and a good load of junk food I was up. My lip still isn't entirely normal. Weirdness. I'm still a bit sleepy. Oh man.

Tomorrow I have work, but the rest of the lab and most of UFC are making it another holiday, but my project allegedly is going to work. I know that's so not going to happen, so I'm gonna get there an hour later than usual. I'm not gonna stand there like an idiot wasting my time for appearances' sake. Gonna wash my poor car first and then go there.

It does feel good that tomorrow should be an easy day and I have the weekend to relax a bit, while also working on my fifteen thousand papers. Next week is decisive, I have papers to hand in from Tuesday through Friday, and I need to work on my oral exam for French that's Friday. Insanity will ensue, I'm sure.

Bah. More food, Oprah, and bed.

After a few failed attempts over the last few weeks to come here and finish a post, I think this time we have a winner.

On a major countdown to vacation - at least UFC vacation, because from work I get none. Which I don't mind, I'll do my 4 hours a day thing and go back home to relax and do fun things, while making extra money. Though work isn't fun and I'm kinda sick of mostly everyone there. I have a lot to do before classes are over though. Three or four big papers of sorts to deliver. And I'm just so sick of it all, I'm not really pulling my weight.

I have been stressed out, frail, needy. Some days on the absolute verge of breaking down. Not fun. As I write here I start to feel all that flooding back, so I should really stop.

I wanna go to Paris for two or three weeks and study french at the Alliance Française. I looked it up and it's not crazy expensive, I can stay at a french family's home; total immersion. I am really excited about that, but wonder when the right time for it will be. I don't want to do it before Tucson because of money issues. Like, if I end up needing extra money for my exchange program, I won't have it because I spent it going to France. I know, I'm fantasizing a bit. It sounds grand and fancy, US first, France later. We'll see, it's really not outrageously expensive. I will take the TOEFL next semester, and start the process for U of Arizona beginning of next year. Talking and thinking about this makes me way less nervous now. Because I have confidence it will happen, though not complete faith, but something inside has settled, much to my pleasure.

I need to call the English course place to ask about the TOEFL, since the British House at UFC isn't having a class for it there next semester. That would have saved me a lot of money, because at UFC it's infinitely cheaper than at the other place, but oh well. I don't want to put a hold on French next semester, but I have to concentrate on this test and I wouldn't have time for both, my schedule is crazy. I love my French teacher now. Oh yes, that bitch I complained endlessly of. I think it was just her way to let the class know she's in control, but she's been nice, not to mention she's incredibly smart and probably one of the best teachers there. I'm going to ask her about the Alliance thing, she probably knows.

This was a Barbra morning. I turned the tv on and Clear Day was on, and then I decided to watch the CBS 2006 Concert special Ginny taped for me like a month ago that I hadn't gotten around to. My baby, what a friggin' Goddess. Naturally all the while I watched it I thought I wanted to have been there so bad. Liza comforts me a bit on that issue. Granted, not enough, but what can I do.

I have to do a load of research today, which I sorta did already but I have to read thoroughly what I picked up. I also want to do some organizing of my room. It's been kept pretty tidy lately, which is nice. My closet is a mess though, but that won't be done until I have no more classes. I wonder if I shall accomplish all this today. I really should, or tomorrow morning I will be feeling so guilty and stressed.

See? A post after a long time, and you missed nothing.

I might have to tie myself in the chair so I don't leave work even earlier than what I had already planned.

Legs are shaking. They want to goooooo. JF's birthday today.

And someone DID return my umbrella! Wtf. After I had bought a new one already because these are tough rainy times and it was grandma's umbrella to begin with. Maybe the human race has a chance.

Go home. Eat cake. I am so not stronger than this urge.

Fuck this. Someone stole my umbrella at UFC's Museum while I was in a lecture and let it out to dry with the other umbrellas. Gah, this city is a fucking hell hole.

Uuuuugh.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. I am relaxing, visiting silly sites, looking for a good movie to watch without all my duties and errands being on the back of my head. Actually if I start thinking about it too much, that comes back to haunt me. So yeah. I should shut up.

Not that I don't have a lot to do, but it's sort of under way. I have two exams and a seminar next week, actually, just two exams. I just remembered the teacher didn't go today so mine will be delayed a week. That's good news. So I have one exam covered, I just need to do revision. And another almost covered too, I have to just re-read the texts and do the heavy work on them, and everything will be good. Spending a lot of very productive time on the bright, lovely library of the Economy Post-Grad program in my campus.

I am into reading again, which I hadn't in a long time except for school texts. Nearly done with my Lygia book and then I'll start Chico's.

Work is kinda icky, I neglected some stuff so I had to get caught up, plus the professor is coming back from his leave after he had heart surgery, which is great, but also frightening. He kinda scares me and I hope I'm doing everything right. Not that thrilled that he put me and a couple other people in this group to research this project management program he wants to use. It's a bad task for me. So boring and I neglected it.

Gonna finish my Grey's episode, finish my book while Last Chance Harvey loads and watch it. I hope I can do some shopping tomorrow with the birthday money I got. Haven't bought anything besides essentials in forever, and I sure need it.

I think my uterus had a rare moment of compassion. It waited until after my birthday was over to start bugging me. I do have to say though, it didn't bother me last month (because it never came at all - hmmm preggers). So yeah, can't complain much.

Saturday was a disaster. Mostly distant friends, acknowledgment of empty and *pathetic* life. Emphasis on the latter because that has definitely been a recurring theme here lately. Not that that's a good thing. So I wasn't looking forward to the actual day. I actually tried to make a pact with Garland so that when it was midnight it would skip straight to the 5th, but Garland failed me. Ginny is my witness. The day started with me pretty much wanting to avoid birthday well wished and the likes. But it got better. It ended up being fine.

I don't want to really talk about how Sar called once, I wasn't home and she never called back, though I want to register that here. Like, does she think just calling is enough, she's done her 'duty'? Fuck it. I wasn't even expecting her to remember as it is, but that was ridiculous. And my dad called, which wasn't pleasant either, and I woke up this morning with that mainly on my mind. Why must we focus on the bad? The human nature is always trying to point towards unhappiness, and that's, to say the least, pretty sad.

Speaking of the 5th, today is my great-grandmother's anniversary of death. Grandpa must have her on his mind. It's weird that both my great-grandmas' from mom's side have their anniversaries so near my birthday. Grandma's mom is friday. I told her I'd go with her to the cemetery saturday. I never went to this cemetery, it's the oldest in town and according to her has amazing headstones. Plus I never went to my great-grandparents' graves. I think she'd like the company. Just need to convince her not to go at 6 am. Gah.

I got generally good presents. Grandpa got me this lovely book which made my heart melt. Just the fact that he put thought into buying something he knew I would like because Chico wrote it and came out on my birthday, the sweet dedication inside, how lovely the design of the book is, and a check inside I hadn't even noticed until way after I had gushed about how much I loved the book. That was probably my favorite gift, and it shows. :P

Going to leave work earlier to get home, get my cramps med which I stupidly haven't been carrying, maybe nap a little and hopefully make it to Psychology Class. I can't wait for vacation in about a month.

Okie doke. This was definitely a night to forget.

It's labor day here, and I spent it just relaxing. Slept through most of the afternoon, did some brief paper organizing because paper spreads in my room faster than the plague. I can think of about five things I need to do for school, but ack. Just give me a day to relax. I might do research, which is lighter work.

This week wasn't so good. Had a lot to stress out about. People don't realize how much I have on my back right now. Not that I'm complaining, I work because I have a certain goal in mind, but goddammit, can I have a bit of acknowledgment of how kinda awesome I am for juggling all these things? No, I get more duties and shit. That's all. Ridiculous. Fuck that. Clearly, I am angry lately. Not dealing with it very well, I admit.

Birthday is coming up. It's monday, but since that is a rotten day for celebrating, I'm going out with the girls tomorrow night. Only today I chose the place, with my crazy schedule I didn't have time even for that.

I think no studying is going to be accomplished today. My rhinitis was acting up earlier and I took an anti-allergic, I suppose its sleepy effect is gonna be in my blood flow for a few more hours. Lame excuse, oh yes. Organizing is good. I might do that.